The primary text for Lenten abstinence comes from the prophet Joel who was calling his people to fasting and repentance: “Let the bridegroom go forth from his bed, and the bride out of her bride chamber” (2:16). This call to penance is read each year at Mass on Ash Wednesday.
In today’s culture any lengthy abstinence is usually frowned upon. But abstinence can be very good for a couple’s relationship when it is agreed upon. Sometimes abstinence is forced upon a couple. We know of one young couple where the wife was confined to bed for a long period of time due to a serious illness just after they were married. Some couples agree upon a long period of abstinence out of concern for one of them. We know of such couples in these situations who went one year, even two years, committed to a long period of abstinence out of concern and love for their spouse.
If you practice sexual abstinence during Lent, don’t be surprised if you find abstinence for spiritual reasons a bit more difficult than abstinence for the practice reason of avoiding pregnancy. The latter form of abstinence can and should be offered up as a living prayer and penance, but you might find there is something even richer in abstaining for purely spiritual reasons. Couples may choose to abstain from Ash Wednesday through Holy Saturday. Others may break the fast on Laetare Sunday or on other Lenten Sundays. Some couples desiring pregnancy may choose to come together only at the fertile time of the cycles during Lent.
The decision to abstain from the marriage act as a form of prayer and penance must be a mutual decision. Spouses have a right to engage in the normal marriage act, and one spouse should not decide unilaterally that he or she is going to be more spiritual and thus refuse the rightful request of the other spouse.
The Church gives us opportunities to observe seasons of penance on Fridays, or during Advent or Lent. There are many various forms of penance to choose from, and abstinence from the marriage act is one of them.
John and Sheila Kippley